If you can’t be here right now, then call me.
Let me hear your voice, your tone, your laugh. Let me hear your breathing in between the silence that means more than any spoken word. Let me know you care. Let me know you’re by my side. You’re here with me. You will be here for me. Even if you don’t understand this yet. Even if you don’t know what to say. Because you don’t need to. Because all of this is already enough.
I don’t like text messages. I don’t like to talk to the screen.
I want to hear you, feel you by my senses so I could be sure this is all real and we are both alive. I will be lying on my bed, tucked tightly in my safe blanket, with my eyes closed and my ear listening to you, feeling this warm tingling in my stomach. Like, listening to my favourite song on the radio that gets me every time. That’s personal. That’s sweet. That calms me down incredibly much.
I will imagine you being here with me, having your pretty eyes gazing into mine as you take the space on my cosy bed that used to be for me only. There will always be something to say, something old, something new, something that ties us together even though we don’t really have a reason to. You are here because you want to. You will smile and warm me up by the strong body of the man you are. You will say something nonsense but ridiculously adorable. You will laugh and instantly make me laugh. Then I will feel at ease. I will stop being afraid. I will have the strength I need to get on with this life.
So, call me.
Remind me that I need someone. Tell me that I will feel much better if I let someone in. If I dare to be vulnerable… so that in the middle of the night when I feel like I can’t keep it up any more and then break down on my two knees, it won’t have to be so bad because there will be someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. And I will believe your words. Religiously do.
Please call me.
Call me to say that you need me and you will be here right now.
Be here right now…
Because I need that.