If I Could Rewrite Us

I know for a fact that I didn’t really want you. But I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to chase me and be desperate for me… more and more and more… as you showed me the taste of your showering attention. It made me feel good, desired and validated given that you weren’t just nice to any girl. I needed it because deep down I didn’t like myself very much.

I tied to you and your affection my confidence and my self-worth. Consequently, when the table was turned and you left me hanging, I completely lost my cool. I became the one who chased you, turned desperate for you and allowed you to toy with me before I even grasped it. I made mistakes after mistakes that cost me not just time but a lot more than I would like to admit.

I have been thinking a lot about what happened, about you and me, about why we did what we did and why I could not completely get over you, or just simply treat you like any other casual people that crossed my path. Is it because I have never once faced my feelings for you? Is it because I have never had my closure? Is it because it has dragged out for so long that I’m convinced you are significant to me? Is it because that summer day you hurt me so much that I want to redeem myself and defeat you?

Defeat you on what? I truly don’t know. So I asked myself: if I put aside the fact that we are practically impossible, that we will probably never see each other again in real life, what would I want to be between you and me? If I could rewrite us, what would I wish to happen? Then, perhaps I would have some clarity for myself.

Let me think about this. If I could rewrite us… If life happened the way it should…

I will be honest with you and with myself that even though most of the days I would wake up and feel nonchalant about you, or even have no thought of you at all, there is this part of me, at moments of weakness, that still wants you. I sincerely don’t know why you had such a big impact on me to this point of incomprehensibility and ridiculousness but It’s true that even one month ago, I still lied when I said I was over you, over this and that we could be casual friends.

Maybe it wasn’t lying. I was just not being real to myself since I didn’t know exactly how I felt or how to treat you either. Apparently, just like the first time I talked to my ex again after our breakup, I have yet to resolve you despite all the proclamations of being healed.

A confusing love hate feeling was sickeningly bottled up in me, holding me back, dragging me down, warping me and all my judgements of you.

It’s absolutely understandable that no one could possibly fathom this but it’s a truth that what happened between you and me had exposed all my insecurities, pointing out all what was wrong with me at the time, or even now. Surely as time passes by, I’m no longer that affected but there is still you somewhere over London, over Chinatown, in the songs I had listened to when you tied my heart, my brain in a knot. Still you in all the Tequila shots I took, in my drunkenness past midnight.

That loser part of me seems to be fixated on the idea of you, your attention, on the sweet, unexpected affectionate gestures you made, on every adorably absurd thing you said, and wonder about what I could do to take them back, to be enough for you, and about the possibility of what could be. Part of me wants you to know and acknowledge that I’m good, I’m smart, I have a good heart, I’m lovable like all the girls you adore too… while the other part demands me to stop all this because it’s the only thing that would make any sense right now.

It was only a brief encounter but you found your way into my heart, then stuck in my head for much longer than I had ever anticipated. You, your look, your actions, your online presence, your style, fit in with the fantasy I had about a boy that I might eventually want to be with.

You fed me ideas and my desire filled in the rest.

So, I don’t think this is your fault. One thing has simply led to another and here we are, 10 months later and I’m writing about you for the first time after our last encounter, probably the last time forever, last June. You are a young, bored boy, restless and stupid, just like everyone else. We brought out something in the other that both of us dreaded. Yet, we both agree that we don’t really know each other and there is nothing particularly personal between us.

It was all me being clouded from the simple reality of us which I could have just casually brushed off otherwise if only my brain wouldn’t have been muddled by all the messy mind game, manipulations we pulled on each other. I always had a choice to walk away but I chose to do what I did. I own up to it. And thus, I don’t have a reason to hate you now, or want to be friends with you, or care what you think of me either. This is not about you. I just happen to be a person who takes time to move on and forget, perhaps a little bit more than the usual.

All I’m meaning to do is to forgive you for how you carelessly, mean-spiritedly treated me and let you go from my mind. Even if the irrational part of me, the soft spot for you in me, will stay with me for months and months more, even forever, I’ll accept it and let it be — quiet, untouched, asleep. Then I’d be fine.

Ask me again, If I could rewrite us. Then I say, I would not rewrite us. I will keep telling the story of me making mistakes and eventually being real to myself, of me being strong and not afraid to move on, of me being human, being young, being a reckless loser, wanting something I can’t have, realizing I don’t need it, accepting the past, learning to respect myself and believing in something that’s just right for me out there. After all, that’s what life is about, isn’t it?

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  • Beautiful. 😀
    Amazing expressions <3

  • Well written. I went through something similar. I hope you find happiness in yourself. Because ultimately I learned that you can find happiness within yourself and not through someone else. Trying to find happiness through someone else’s validation of you doesn’t satisfy you deep within and is an empty promise you make with yourself that this person can make you love yourself. That is a fallacy you musnt ever dictate your life.

    • Hey kminlim, thank you for your comment. Yes, I agree with you, especially the part about finding happiness within yourself. This story of mine, it was hard in the beginning but I’m good now. It’s part of life and it’s all cool. No biggie 🙂

      • Happy to hear! Definitely made you a stronger person.

        • Yes! And by knowing that I’m not the only one experiencing this too! Thanks for sharing 🙂 Btw I tried to visit your blog but it’s said it’s deleted? Is something wrong there? 😀

          • Hey its great seeing others find strength in themselves. Oh really? I should fix that. Thanks for the heads up.

          • Hey its great seeing others find strength in themselves. Oh really? Thanks for the heads up. Is it fixed now? I used to have 2 usernames by accident. Now I have the one: kminsstory.

          • Yes it’s fixed now 🙂 I will have a read tomorrow when I wake up 😀 (its 3am here haha)

          • Haha sweet. Thanks. Wheres here?

          • England 😀 You?

          • USA. So that’s the time difference from us and England. How’s the weather over there?

          • Ah im envious! I have never been to US before! Its surprisngly good, like sunny and warm! And hows the election over there? Haha

          • Oh that must be nice. Its surprisingly cold here haha. Election? Oh right, first woman president looking like a possibility. So that’s pretty cool. Hows the royal family over there? I see news about them all the time here.

          • Oh really? Which state is it? Yea it reminds me of House of cards like watching it live haha quite hilarious when people start discussing what to call Bill if Hilary got elected haha well last time I checked royals here r still rich and well and currently hiring ONE housekeeper in total for their 10 bedroom palace lol. And yea election is going on here too but im not very good at uk politics :s

          • New jersey. Is it true that it rains in England a lot? Isn’t house of cards a violent show haha? Hey awesome so you hear about US news over there too? I wonder why England and US share news about the other continent. I bet that housekeeper is gonna make maddd bankkk.

          • Ah New jersey, that’s close to NYC right! And yes it is! That’s why when it’s sunny for a while everyone is like, omg snapchat instagram #sunnyday #blessed and instantly happy (story of my life) haha yea I was thinking the same about the $$$ but apparently they didnt pay well lol btw reading your blog now 🙂 thanks again for dropping by mine btw <3

          • Yep! 40 mins away. Wait it seems you know a decent amount about US, have you been? Ah damn what a shame, I wanted to live in England when I heard about their healthcare but weather is a big condition in where I want to live. I need sun. Yea I am enjoying your posts. Looking forward to more!

          • I have never been to US and are you a boy? haha swear I was assuming you were a female. I kind of assume everyone coming here a female until proven otherwise haha

          • Haha yea I was afraid people would think that… didnt realize i didnt have a pic up. I swear I would make such a great girl sometimes. You assume everyone’s female? I wonder how long I could’ve kept you believing that haha.

          • HAHAH I love how you say you would make such a great girl sometimes! Well I do think I would make a great boy sometimes haha we can switch now and then then haha 😛 I think it was because of the name, Min? I have a female friend named Min 😀

          • I would! I don’t watch sports and I like romantic comedies. I also prefer talking about emotions rather than cars. Haha what makes you think you’d be a great boy? Ah I see. Yea min is a common part to korean names.

          • Haha I like how you make it sound very cool to be like girls, brownie points for you there! <3 Well i have many close female friends and I'm very protective, rational, take good care of them, always lady first (i mean them first then me) and cool headed I guess haha no she's malaysian lol so is your name Min and you're from Korea? I'm Vietnamese btw.

          • Haha sweet thanks! I love brownies. Ah so you’re a protector. You should be a bouncer xD. Oh I guess min is just a common name in Asia haha. Yep born there but raised here. Oh awesome! Interesting.. Ive been meeting lots of Vietnamese people lately

          • That’s nice! Yea I have a few Korean friends too, and did know one Korean guy born in Uk. Well only one is not many at all haha but most of my friends are born here too. I guess I’m more Western culture than Eastern even tho I’m only here for 4 years! Btw if you want to chat you could drop me an email or FB message or something, we’re spamming the comment section haha

          • Oh? So you came from Vietnam 4 years ago? And yea you right we should probably chat somewhere else haha. Fb sounds good to me.

          • You can find my fb link on my contact page or gravatar I think?

  • Reblogged this on Wade Lancaster.

    • Thanks Ellen for your beautiful heartfelt words. Shared on G+ and Re-blogged. It speaks volumes about love for me.

      • Hi Wade thank you so much it means a lot to me! Yea human feelings are so complicated, even me as I wrote it I needed to figure myself out. It did help me to understand it better. Im really glad you enjoyed this piece 🙂

  • This really touched me. I think we’ve all been there.

    • Thank you! Im glad to hear this. And to know i’m not alone. Truthfully at some point i even thought i was crazy for feeling like this, cannot forget someone completely. We humans are so complicated :’) and sensitive women, always remember things no one remembers.

      • Yes, so true! I am definitely a sensitive woman.