It’s both a good and a bad thing that we have never once talked about the future. It’s good because we then don’t have to be reminded that everything we have now will soon be gone. Yet, it’s bad because we don’t even have the courage to face it and do something about it to make future a place where we want to be.
But to be fair, what can we do anyway? We’re young. We’re only temporary. We don’t even know where we are going to be, say in half a year. And even if we do, we don’t know how circumstances are going to change, or how we are going to change. We might not want the same thing like we do now. We might not be this us who would climb on top of a building to watch the asleep world and then come back home to make pancakes at midnight because who knows how soon, our lives will take a turn.
You will not be you and I will not be me. I might be this girl who views the world more pragmatically, who looks at someone else but not you like he’s my whole world and forgets about how amazing it feels when I’m with you. And by that time, you might already forget about me too. You might be busy with a life that has no room for spontaneous 2 am pizza. You might have a whole new definition of what “pretty and fun” means and that would certainly not include me anymore. Then we would walk past each other half way on a busy street and we would just smile politely, awkwardly because our lives have become completely irrelevant. What’s scary is that it’s not even something we do. Life does.
No matter how young or old, we’re not the only thing that’s temporary. It’s about life. Temporary is the nature of life. Everything will end eventually, even the things that have always been there, that we believe will always be there. Our relationships, our job, our family, our closest friends, and even ourselves. Sooner or later, they will all change and we will just get used to a new normal, one after another, until one day, they all come to an end like we will lie down on our death bed and be gone. And nothing will ever matter, really. There is no fate, no destiny. It’s just a bunch of decisions made that later in life as we look back, we try to rationalize, to put a meaning to make sense of something that has absolutely no meaning.
And that’s exactly why I’m always being reckless, carefree and daring. That’s why I just run ahead and look for chances to take. And that’s why I decided to be brave and ask you out. Now and here. At the time of our lives when we haven’t had the faintest idea of our future. In the middle of endless questions and unsure choices. As I think hard about what I really want to do with my life. I realize that this is life. This is being alive. This is the point of this pointless journey. I don’t know what will happen next but I know you now and I know me now. I know I’m enjoying you like I enjoy the hot summer air and I still want more of that. It’s as real as when you hold my hands and they get warmed up, as raw as when my lips touch yours and our bodies are fuelled. It’s as good as when we’re together, we’re present and I feel fully human. And everything just seems possible and it’s all so exciting.
The best part of this is that as I try to figure life out and understand what it all means, I have come to accept our temporariness. And thus, I want you but I’m also ready to let you go, whether now or twenty days or three months later. I’m ready to let anything or anyone go when it’s their time to go and send my best wishes off their ways. Though, it’s not to say I will just float around and put no effort in keeping anything for myself. I will still do for as long as I could, like I hope that we could have more good time together and I would try to make it work if you would like to. But if not, it’s fine.
Accepting that life is temporary just means doing all what I could and greeting life with enthusiasm and courage. It means letting go of control and gaining control at the same time. It means living for the present and being grateful for the people who come to my life teaching me how to be human. Also, it means goodbyes aren’t always endings and endings don’t have to be sad. After all, I’m just one entity. I have nothing. I don’t need to have or be anything. I’m not my relationships with people, I’m not my body, I’m not my job, I’m not even my writing. When any and all of this is gone, I would still be this one entity, and fine. Or maybe I will be gone, but it’s fine too.