Written by Jennifer Lin
If trauma has ever taught anybody anything, it has taught people how to suppress their feelings and emotions. At least, it’s true for me.
At times, I’m afraid to feel.
I avoid anything that would mess up my thoughts. I shut out any feeling that would obscure my vision. I run away from any moment that threatens to tangle up the carefully laid-out strings in my mind.
As human beings, I don’t believe we’re afraid to love. In fact, we thrive on love. We crave for love. We’re not afraid to fall in love wholly and deeply.
The truth is, we’re afraid of everything that comes with it. We’re afraid of heartbreak. We’re afraid of not being loved back. We’re afraid of the things we can’t control. We’re afraid of not being able to control the things we’ve never experienced but for which our heart is yearning so instinctively.
My heart is yearning for him.
I’m afraid of his touch. I’m afraid of the ghost of the touch when his fingers travel down my spine, of the fire and sparks he will leave behind on my skin as he sets his hands on my waist and pulls me close to him. When he softly whispers words only for my ears and his breathing stirs my hair.
I’m afraid of my tightened chest and shortened breath when his eyes look into mine. I’m afraid of losing myself in the wonders of his eye colours as they dance and blend into one. Afraid of the softness of his lips and the overwhelming sensation that would erupt from my chest as soon as those lips meet mine.
I’m afraid of how I will feel when I run my fingers through his hair, the heated feeling when he wraps his arms around me. When he rains loving kisses down my body, and when I’m captivated by his laughter.
I am afraid of when I fall in love with him. I’m afraid of when he feels like home.
But I want all of this. I want to love him, and I want to feel all the little things in between. Though I know, if I choose to love like so, I will have to let myself go. The thick walls I’ve forged and built piece by piece with my bare hands in all these years, will have to be broken down. I will be thrown into an abyss of chaos and the confusion of the unknown and I will have to learn to accept it.
This will come with all the emotions I have always feared and wanted to hide from. But it will also come with all the emotions I live for and all the things that light the fire within me.
This may break me.
However, I’ve been broken countless times by others. And each time I came out burning hotter than the last, more alive and beautiful in my own ways. The only difference is, this time I willingly allow myself to break.
I can’t help but wonder just how blinding I will be when I step out.
Because at the end of the day, my blood runs hotter than fire.
My mind is stronger than steel.
Loving him may break me, but it should not hurt me. Loving another person should never bring you more pain than love, and I have learned to love myself enough to let go of whoever dares to mess with me.
I always seem to forget just how strong I am.
I always seem to forget how allowing myself to be free and feel will not end me.
I always seem to forget that I deserve to love others, and to be loved by others wholly.