To the guy whom I had to let go,
I wish there had been another way to tell you “I love you, but it’s like a sister loves her brother, not a lover loves her partner”. I truly wish there had been one…
I hate myself so much that I’m prepared to never forgive myself for making you feel like it was your fault when it was not. It wasn’t any of your faults for the end of our relationship. It was mine. It was all my ruthless self to blame for. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. How could you blame yourself for ruining our relationship when you were the one who always showed me your passionate love? How could you let yourself endure that guilty feeling when you cared for me much more than I did for myself?
I hate myself for saying yes when you asked me to be your girlfriend. You don’t deserve someone like me, someone who cannot feel the sensation, the spark of your love when you touch or you kiss me. I should have felt. I goddamn wish I could. You shouldn’t drag yourself down just because I cannot stand our intimacy without feeling embarrassed. There is something wrong with me, not you. You deserve to be with someone else better than me, someone who makes you happy, someone who can warm you with her passionate kisses. You should save your faithfulness for someone who is always willing to pamper you like a kid with her cheerful attitudes, to blow away that little frowning you do every time you have something on your mind. You should give your heart to the person who will love you the way I or no one can. And, of course, you should be with the girl who will make it till the end with you, not the one who left you with unfinished conversations to ache for all over.
I hate myself for hurting you but I can’t resist the urge of letting you go for your own good, knowing it will break you inside out. I didn’t expect us to go through this kind of hardship but I won’t try to make any changes. One way or another, I know this is the only option I can choose to least pain you. I guess sometimes we have to hurt someone just to help them.
I could have chosen to stick with you till the day we fall apart, till after we make it through college, till the time you marry me or even when we have a baby. If so, once the truth comes out, I’m afraid your heart would never heal to let another girl in again. And most importantly, I’m afraid you will never forgive me. I hate myself for almost everything I’ve done to your life but I don’t hate myself for leaving you because the insecurity of our relationship would outgrow your great love for me.
It has been on my conscience ever since I let you know my feelings, ever since I saw your broken soul through your beautiful grey eyes. I know you might harbour a deep resentment towards me since that Tuesday night. But that is what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to not be some annoying factor holding you back from that future girl who has yet come and shown her face. I know you feel lost, feel empty, feel mad. I do know you are going through a hell of after-relationship things. Believe me, it hurts me just as much as it does to you.
I was selfish for so long and I’m so done with it. Now it’s time to fix things up. I’m so willing to inflict this painful period you are going through now so that things can finally go right for your heart and that unique big grin will shine again on your face.
After all, I don’t expect you to understand my decision. If we are meant to be together, we will eventually find a way back at some point in the future.
Now might not be the right season for me falling for you, as a lover. But in other chapters of life, who knows?
Until then, I have to put a dot to our story.
Until then, let the hurt be your saviour.
Until then, please, do me a favour one last time: please save yourself from me, the boy from the City of Angels and Palm trees.