I need a buddy that will open his door for me at 1 o’clock in the morning. Or he will be ready to get out of his apartment and wander around London on a typical Friday night as soon as I call him. Of course he has to always be reachable via texts, and give me a call back when I text him “You awake?” no matter how late it is. He will know I don’t sleep at 1 o’clock. Or 3. Or sometimes even 5. Then he will pour more into my glass and we will drink the night away. And laugh. My buddy needs to get my humour. That’s the first requirement.

No. Actually, the first requirement is that, he needs to be someone I adore. Just the vibe, you know. You can tell if someone is your type of people within the first 30 seconds of meeting them. Well, obviously it’s a made-up figure, but 30 seconds sounds about right in my case. He also needs to be tall, but not too tall though because then we wouldn’t look good together. We need to look just right together, like a team, like confident and cocky and young and wise and silly, all at the same time. And cool. Definitely cool.

We will do things together. Crash parties, make crazy friends then try dangerous and fun stuff. More alcohol, more substance, more kisses, in and out, in and out. Maybe at some corner of Soho, or Camden town, or East London, in leather jackets like the classic bad boy that all girls love to hate, and the red-lipped, stuck up girl who doesn’t give shit about anyone. Then day time, we can get right back into the casual, sweet look and enjoy a sunny day in the park. Yes, the park. I love the park. Picnics and deep talk about life. He needs to get me and get life. He needs to be real and smart and love the big city kind of life like I do. 

He can like me but not too much. He can have feelings and he should but he needs not to want love or mention love, especially with me. We don’t use the word love because we don’t say what we don’t understand. He needs not to understand. He needs to remain ambivalent about this subject and not take my “I miss you”, my flirting, or any other expression of romantic feelings, seriously. Even when I text him at a random time of the day and tell him I want to see him, he won’t assume I like him more than a buddy. He knows I want to see him because I want his company and he’s good as a distraction. And because my heart is already occupied.

He will tell me I’m being stupid but we will go ahead and do all this anyway. It should work for him too. He will use me just as much as I use him and thus, there is no chance we would turn around and hurt each other the same way we’re hurt by those whose-names-we-shall-never-bring-up-in-our-conversations. We will never need to worry about “What are we?”. We have no label obligation to care or to call — we just do. We could be sure we’re safe because we already lay all the cards on the table. And as long as we have trust and mutual respect, the deal is fair.

We’re young and we’re full of shit. We don’t want to be lonely and boring and wasting our beautiful nights away. How could we? We’re wild, dumb and way too restless. Recklessness is deep in our blood and we will say yes to just about anything…

It’s summer time and my mind’s heated up. It’s 3 am and I want to have a number to dial.