Lover, I don’t know what you’re doing with me. You should be with someone who goes to the gym, plays lots of sports, works crazy hours and travels all year round that she barely has time for you. You should be with someone who makes you crave her all the time so much that you start to lose your control. She is busy and outgoing and very busy. She amazes you with her crazy schedule, with an Instagram account that has more than thousands of followers, and an ass that is twice her boobs’ size. You will be addicted, addicted without a question. You will remember her and you will tell me about how you can’t get her out of your head.

Lover, I don’t know what you’re doing with me. I know why some men are fascinated by me but you seem to be a hard case to crack. Lover, do you see me, though? I’m not that girl. I’m THIS girl. I don’t always go out on a Saturday night. I stay in. I write. I read. Then I read a bit more. I absorb the world around me and I have some interesting thoughts to share if you join me at the dinner table, cozy in bed, or maybe in my bath tub with a glass of wine. I love thinking about things, anything, about life, about us. I look into your eyes and I try to find your soul, listening to your rhythm. Lover, I don’t go out on a Saturday night. I won’t make you crave me all the time because if I like you, I will actually make time for you. I tell you stories, kiss you the moment I’m awake. I make it a mission to always warm your heart that you thought had turned cold. Because I have a big one here and that heart will never stop beating fast, fast, fast till the end of time, syncing with yours if you come a bit closer.

Lover, though, sometimes I think I can be that girl too. Let me think. What if I go to the gym now. What if I start to save up and travel around more. What if I have a demanding job that my busyness makes me 10 times more unattainable which is just the same as desirable in this modern age. Lover, maybe, by then, you will be addicted to me too? Maybe you will chase me down the road and beg me to pay some attention to you? Lover, I’m not even joking, I will be that girl. Soon, for real, gym, job, money, travelling, random nights — I will be that girl. Look like her, talk like her, busy like her. Then when you ask me about my Saturdays, I won’t even have time to reply to your text messages. Though, lover, do you see me? Because even when I’m that girl, I’m still THIS girl. And this girl is all what matters, to me, to anyone who chooses me.

Lover, this girl, on Saturday nights, she is bound to get wild and make magic happen. She’s real, down to earth, compassionate, passionate and beautifully reckless. She has her down moments which I won’t deny, can get ugly, sure, but if you look at her carefully, dearly, patiently, you will see there’s the spirit shining vibrantly inside — a spirit that is brought to life instantly, effortlessly, by the right people not just on Saturday nights but any hour of the week for that matter. I know because I have seen that before. Because I’ve been at my best like that before. Lover, are you that right people? Do you want to be one of those people? Can you take time with this girl? Or are you squeezing that spirit dead through the words you carelessly throw to her face and the way you stop treating her like she is special as soon as she cares about you enough to let herself infected by your every little doing?

Lover, I don’t know what you’re doing with me. If you want me then come to me. Brave and sure. If you want me then let me know all the ways you do because then my heart will know how to answer. Lover, I’m full of life, full of love, full of curiosity, full of surprises, yes I know it, but I’m tired of playing games, of convincing people that I’m worthy of their time. I shouldn’t have to and I won’t do it anymore. I can’t do anything and I have no desire to do anything if you aren’t fascinated by me — Well, I guess I’m sorry you have just met another girl you will never fall in love with. So you see, I accept whatever decision you make because I’m strong enough to take it. Because I know I’m not perfect and I’m constantly evolving. Because I do see myself and I know my value. And because I’m real and I’m here, chilling anyway.

Lover, I don’t know about you but I know exactly what I’m doing with myself. I will always rise from my rock bottom, head up, feet firm on the hard ground, happy and beautiful — whether I walk with you or on my own.




Ellen Nguyen

Ellen Nguyen

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