2017 has been such a significant year for me with so many changes both physically and mentally. The experiences I’ve had over the past 12 months have truly transformed my life and brought me so much closer to the person I’ve always wanted to be. As it’s coming to an end, I’ve done my reflection and realised there are many things I’m definitely done with for 2018.

Here’s the list of 4 critical changes I’m making with my mindset:

 

1. Taking things too seriously

I’m serious about many things in my life, including my writing, but when it comes to life experiences, I’m done with stressing over each one of them. I’m done with thinking I could outsmart the universe and map out all the scenarios of how things would turn out, which would often lead to feeling stuck and depressed. I’m done with not letting myself enjoy the happy moments to the fullest just because I know there’s a price to pay later. I’ll pay eventually, but I’m not jumping ahead of myself anymore. Now is to lighten up and have as much fun as possible while I can.

Truth is, life isn’t getting any easier. Every high will always come with a low. I could choose to either always be serious and heavy, or stay positive and have a sense of humour about it. I’m done with the former. Though, don’t get me wrong – I’m extremely grateful for the intensity and depth of my emotions. I’m more alive than most people I know. It’s a gift I’m given for my writing. But it’s exactly why it’s best to be channelled into my creative work, not to be consistently lived out in real life. Sometimes, it can get too much and end up causing me excessive emotional pain, which I’m so done with.

 

2. Thinking I’m fucked up

I don’t know why in my head for so long I’d always believed I was fucked up, like I was not a “good enough” woman and not deserving of a man’s big love. I figure it’s because I’ve had a fair share of bad relationship experiences which affected my self-esteem. Inevitably, I was conditioned to compare myself to other attached women and as a result, feel inferior to them solely on the basis that they’re attached.

I’m done with selling myself so short. It’s crazy. I’m not fucked up. I’m the opposite of fucked up. For sure, I made mistakes, I have gone through life a certain way, but who doesn’t? What matters is what I make out of it. And I truly believe I’ve done an excellent job. I’m proud of my values, of my characters, of the worlds I’ve built professionally and personally. I might not look like the conventionally picture-perfect wife or mother but at least at 23 (Jeez, give me a break) I can make sure I’ll be a damn great person and life partner later to the right man.

 

3. Feeling like I’m running out of time

I’m at the start of my adulthood; my future is wide open ahead. Yet, I always feel like I’m running out of time as though my life would be over the moment I’m not considered young anymore. It’s not right. I’m done with putting myself against an invisible clock which only stresses me out with a false sense of urgency. I’m done with running the achievement race out of fear and social pressure, with rushing decisions and jumping to conclusions like it’s the end of the world tomorrow and everything has to be done now, now, now.

I have time. A lot of time, indeed. I have all the time I need to do what I want, to live life at my own pace, to create things out of love and passion, to seek new experiences, to try and fail and try again, repeatedly. There’s really no stop. It’s okay to slow down and figure things out as I go. Cliche as it might sound, it’s all about the journey, the looking-and-searching-and-not-knowing-what-to-do-but-doing-awesome-shit-anyway, NOT getting to a destination by any given point in time.

 

4. Living life like an endless battle

Over the last six years, I’ve gone through so many ups and downs in my personal life that unfortunately, emotional turmoil has become expectant. There was always something to resolve, to overcome, to unwrap. There was always struggle and pain and conflict. There was rarely ever a long period of time when I just felt completely at peace and could stay present without being affected by a nasty voice at the back of my mind nagging about some unresolved hang-up. In a way, it was crucial for me because it gave me the opportunities to grow and become the person I’m proud of today. Some wounds were absolutely worth it.

However, life experiences don’t always have to come with such a price tag, or turn into some big grand lesson taught in the hardest way possible to be meaningful and enriching. They can just be joy and laughter and positivity without any danger of biting my ass later. While I’ll never be done with learning and growing, I’m done with hurting myself, with emotional volatility, with fighting a battle that doesn’t need to be fought. See, the world isn’t out to get me. No one is up against me. It’s just me that needs to stop giving myself such a hard time and start choosing happiness consciously.